Quiet/Peace

How will I know it is peace and not the sound before the other shoe drops?


Why am I still scared- walking in circles, pacing, stomach churning?


I'm madly focused on my lists of lists and being productive (which is necessary anyway) to avoid watching out the window or over my shoulder wondering what's next.


I miss my friends and family; while I know they are on the periphery and here for me on a moment's notice I can't help but keep everyone at arms length and yet feel completely isolated except when I can crack open the great wall for a few seconds at a time. I'm fighting the feeling that I am being suppressed somehow and trying to act like everything is "normal" now, but I am a bit freaked, honestly. How did it get to this?


Yes, I'm heading back to my councilor's office this week but I often have to work through so much on my own before I can even get it out of my head to my mouth, so thanks for bearing with me. I have journaled in paper books for years except times when they were being read by someone else. (Raina or Zoe seriously find and burn those if I kick off before you! LOL) I know you all legitimately care about me and I would probably say this to you directly given the time/opportunity for a private conversation, so I thought I would just share...


I am dying to have some friends and family over to the house soon and begin to relax and enjoy my life in our new house. It's a little scary re-learning to trust my instincts, but they're still there. We (Ben, Faith and I) love our home. We've made it our own anbd feel safe here. Faith and I have planted flowers in the yard, we have a fire pit and a screen thing that I need help resurrecting- it crashed over in the last storm! I LOVE summer...


I'm thrilled to have Kayla coming here tomorrow for most of the summer. I SO need her help and I think we'll have fun together too! It could be good for both/all of us. I will have to work a ton of hours to get myself to where I need to be by the time Kayla leaves and school starts. I am grateful also for the fact that Faith LOVES her so much, so I can comfortably do what I need to do work-wise and know Faith is OK and happy. I feel like I'm being divinely lead, things falling into place, like it happened with my house. I do wish I had done things differently but it is what it is now, forward is all there is. Regret is only a waste of energy.


It's really all good and moving in the right direction. I have to assume that based on recent events and the post night-in-jail, 4-day (longest yet) quiet streak, J. now realizes that he's not as "untouchable" as he thought and that you can't just bully and have a massive temper tantrum and scream every mean and horrid thing you can think of every day and stalk and harass someone because you are 31 years-old and are mad that your own decisions and behavior has torn your life apart...


I can't be sad for that any more, I have to close that door.